Becoming Jesse's Father (Dancing Moon Ranch Book 5) Read online

  "Are you going to hang it?" Maddy asked, as Adam stood holding the arrowhead while making no move to hang it on the tree. Suppressing a memory that made him feel like shit for not getting to know a brother who left the family because he didn't think he belonged, he said, "Yeah. I was just remembering when we made these." He looked at his mother, whose face was grim, and said, "You need to bake the gingerbread, Mom. If you make up the dough now and roll it out, Maddy and I will cut out the house parts and get them ready for decorating, right honey?" he said, looking at Maddy.

  Maddy grinned at Adam then looked at her mother, and said, "Can we Mom?"

  Grace, who offered a wobbly smile, said, "Yes, maybe that would be fun."

  But from her tone, Adam knew it would be another painful reminder of the missing member of the family. But it was well beyond time she stop moping over a past that couldn't be changed and get on with the present. A present that now included a grandson she knew nothing about, and he had no idea how to break the news to his family, or how to explain to a little sister, who idolized him, that he'd sired a son out of wedlock with the woman who'd dumped him at the altar to run off with another man.

  When his mother caught his eye, she said, "Is something wrong, honey?"

  His mother's words brought him back to a time before Marc left, when she'd been there for all of her children and their needs and concerns, no matter how trifling. That thought had barely crossed his mind when he found himself saying, "I need to talk to you and dad later this afternoon. It's pretty important."

  From the awareness in his mother's eyes, she already knew it had something to do with Emily. But that was short-lived, replaced by concern. "I'll find Dad and tell him so he can take the guests on the sleigh ride a little later," she said. Returning the ornament in her hand to the box, she left the house to get their father, and Adam knew it was also an excuse to stop decorating the tree.

  "Mom doesn't like Christmas," Maddy said, after their mother left the house.

  "She's sad because Marc's gone," Adam replied.

  "I know. Daddy talked to me about it," Maddy said. "She takes a little pill every day to help. Will she ever be happy again?"

  Adam looked down at his little sister, whose face was sad, and said, "Sure, she'll be happy again, but sometimes it takes adults longer than kids to get over things." Years, he realized, and even time didn't change some things. His feelings for Emily were as strong as the day he'd put the engagement ring on her finger and she’d stretched out her hand and told him she was the happiest woman in the world, then made love with a passion that convinced him there was nothing Erik could ever do to get her back.

  "Come on," he said to Maddy, blocking out that timeworn thought. "After we make this the prettiest tree in the county we'll cut some fir limbs and gather some pine cones and make the best table decoration ever."

  ***

  Sitting across from his parents in the office in the stables, and wanting to put first things first, Adam said to his mother, "Marc's been gone over three-and-a-half years and you've got to somehow set this thing with him aside, Mom. It's not fair to Maddy."

  "I know, honey," Grace said, "and I'm trying. I'll do the gingerbread house tomorrow."

  "No, you need to do it this afternoon," Adam said. "I promised Maddy I'd help decorate it with her, and tomorrow I'll be up at the cabin."

  Grace looked at him in alarm. "No, please Adam. Don't go back up there. Emily can go to the shelter and—"

  "Stop right there, Mom!"

  "And you stop right there," Jack interjected. "Your mother's having a hard enough time getting through another Christmas without you putting a heavier burden on her. And she's right. Emily can go to the shelter."

  "No, she can't," Adam said. "The boy who's with her is my son."

  For a few moments neither Jack nor Grace said a word, then Jack released Grace's hand, and with his elbows on his knees leaned forward, and said, while looking steadily at Adam, "Did you know this all along?"

  Adam shook his head. "I just found out. But Emily's not taking my son to a shelter."

  Jack stood, crossed the floor in several restless strides, then turned, and said, "If you're planning on bringing them here you can't be moving her in with you like you're married."

  "She's staying at the cabin and I'll be checking on her," Adam said. "I still don't know what the status is with Erik. He threatened to kill Emily if she ever left with Jesse."

  "Then he thinks the boy is his?" Jack asked.

  "No, he knows Jesse's my son," Adam replied. "The only reason he wants him is to keep his control over Emily. It's been a control issue from the start, but Emily's finished with him now so it will be different this time."

  Grace looked at him in alarm. "This time? You act as if you're getting back with her."

  Adam drew in a long breath. "No, I'm not about to get involved with her again."

  "You already are," Jack pointed out. "You're the father of her son."

  Adam looked at his dad, almost hearing his words of warning about Emily over the years. Yet his father finally accepted the inevitable when he and Emily informed the family that they'd be getting married the following summer. His father said nothing after that, except one last piece of advice after he'd gotten Adam alone, which was to 'Keep it in your pants until after you're married. She's been unpredictable in the past.'

  Adam's response had been curt and short-tempered, and pretty much one of telling his father he didn't need advice about what or what not to do with his fiancée. He'd stopped short of saying that if Emily got pregnant it was fine with him. Which it had been. It meant Erik could do nothing to get her back.

  Adam eyed his father steadily, and said, "There's no way in hell I'll allow Emily and Jesse to go to a shelter. If it comes to keeping them safe I'll take her where Erik will never find them."

  Tears filled Grace's eyes, as she said, "I'm going to lose you too. I can feel it."

  Jack returned to the couch and sat beside her, then put his arm around her shoulders and said, "Honey, if Adam has to go off for a while he'll be back." He looked at Adam and waited for his confirmation.

  Adam nodded. "Of course I'll be back," he assured his mother. "It would only be for a short time until things get straightened out. Right now, because Emily was married to Erik when Jesse was born, Erik is legally Jesse's father, so I'll have DNA tests done to prove he’s my son then file for paternity, and as soon as I get my rights, things will be fine." He knew he was feeding his mother a whole bunch of crap, because they were eons away from a determination of Jesse's custody, but it would get the family through Christmas without their mother having a complete breakdown.

  Grace took Jack's hand from his knee and held it, and said to Adam, "I'll just be glad when Christmas is over and you get this thing settled with Emily." And her out of your life, were her unspoken words. Which wouldn't happen now, at least not until Jesse was eighteen.

  "And just what are your plans with Emily?" Jack asked, in a tone that told Adam he was struggling to keep from saying his peace because the woman leaning heavily against him and holding his hand was in no state of mind to listen to a father-son confrontation, which would happen if they were alone.

  "There's another problem at the cabin," Adam said. "The three-toed lion was there. His footprints were all over the place. He even killed a deer right outside the cabin while Emily and Jesse were there, then dragged it into the underbrush and covered the carcass. The deer's only partially eaten so he'll be back. I'm taking the Winchester 30-30 and I want to take Jake and Sarge with me. If they can track him down and tree him, I'll be able to finish him off."

  "No!" Grace said. She turned to Jack. "You can't let him go. Please Jack. We've already lost one son."

  "Honey, we haven't lost Marc," Jack said. "He'll be back." Then he eyed Adam with uncertainty, and said, "The last time we tried tracking that lion we took Ralph Davis's two hounds. The lion snapped the neck of one and mauled the other so badly Ralph had to shoot him. As for
Jake and Sarge, I haven't worked with them in a couple of years, but even if they did catch the lion's scent, that's rugged country up there, and once the lion knows he's being tracked he'll weave his way up the mountainside through snow drifts and over boulders and lead the dogs up to the top of the mountain. You'd never be able to keep up with them. But you have other problems when you kill a rogue lion. It opens up his territory to young males that are more likely to attack livestock and even humans."

  "Then you're against my taking the dogs and trying to track the lion down?" Adam asked.

  "Take the dogs if you want," Jack replied, "they'll let you know if the lion's around, but what makes more sense is to take Emily and Jesse to the shelter until you can decide what to do. It's the safest and most practical thing to do under the circumstances."

  "Emily and Jesse are safe in the cabin if I get rid of the lion," Adam said, "and maybe the lion won't lead the dogs up the mountain. If he's in the area they could tree him where I could get a clear shot at him and we'd be done with him. He's been a menace for years."

  Jack looked at Adam long and hard, and said, "Well, you know my feelings about this, but I suppose you'll do it your way. I just want you to be aware how dangerous that lion is."

  "I'm aware," Adam said, "but before I head back to the cabin I'll sit the boys down and explain things about Jesse and tell them they're all uncles then figure out what to tell Maddy."

  "You need to tell her the truth," Jack said. "Some of her classmates are already pairing off and by the time they're in high school her girlfriends will be talking about having sex with their boyfriends, and of all Maddy's brothers, you're the one she's looked up to the most. This is like giving her the go ahead to have sex before marriage."

  Adam didn't need to be reminded. But his father was right. "I'm not trying to make excuses for Emily and me, but maybe we're a good example of why Maddy shouldn't have sex before marriage," he said, and started going over in his head exactly how he'd approach things. Telling his brothers wasn't a problem, but having a talk about sex with his little sister was something he'd always assumed his mother would do with the mother-daughter talk. But now he was having a reality check, and the reality was, Maddy Hansen's adored big brother just now found out about his son because his girlfriend, who he got pregnant before they were married, ran off with another man. A pretty screwed up mess. But there was no getting around the talk he was about to have.

  A couple of hours later, while his mother was baking the cut-out dough slabs for the gingerbread house, Adam said to Maddy, who was sitting cross-legged on the floor while stringing popcorn in garlands for the Christmas tree, "Honey, I want to talk to you. Let's go in your bedroom."

  Maddy looked up at him curiously, then set the popcorn garland aside and followed him into her bedroom. After she was sitting cross-legged on the bed, and the door was closed, Adam pulled her desk chair up in front of her, sat down, and started in. "This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do," he said, looking into a pair of trusting brown eyes, knowing in a few moments they'd show disillusionment. "I did something very stupid, and very wrong."

  "Are you going to jail?" Maddy asked.

  Adam looked at her with a start, then realized, even though the family tried to spare her from the circumstances leading to their father's first wife smothering his son and going to jail for it, as well as her Aunt Jayne's years in prison for a crime she didn't commit, Maddy was aware that actions had consequences and people sometimes went to jail because of those consequences. "Don't worry. I'm not going to jail," he said, "but I still did something I shouldn't have done."

  "Am I going to be sad when you tell me?" Maddy asked.

  "Maybe some, because I will have let you down," Adam replied, "but I hope you'll be a little wiser too. The thing is, when I was engaged to Emily she got pregnant and never told me."

  "How?" Maddy asked.

  Oh man. He'd assumed Maddy knew all about sex and getting pregnant. Realizing he had no choice but to just start in, he said, "Emily and I were up at the cabin one time, and I kissed her and she kissed me back, and then one thing led to another and, with guys what happens is, well, you have brothers and you've probably noticed sometimes if they're looking at pictures of women in magazines that... changes take place... umm, below their waists. Which is what happened when I was with Emily." When Maddy just sat staring at him with a kind blank look on her face, he said, "You do know about having sex, don't you? I mean, you and mom had this discussion didn't you?"

  "Sure I know," Maddy said. "We learned all about it in sex ed."

  "Well then, that's about it, but because I messed up really bad, I want to make sure you don't do the same thing when you start dating."

  "I won't," Maddy said. "Mom and Dad won't let me date until I'm eighteen."

  Adam reached out and took Maddy's hand, and holding it between his palms, while looking into her big brown eyes, he said, "Being eighteen won't keep you from having a baby before you're married, honey, but telling a boy to stop when he puts pressure on you to do what both of you shouldn't be doing will, and that's the way it needs to be until after you're married."

  "Did Emily tell you to stop?" Maddy asked.

  "Well, no, not exactly," Adam replied. "The thing is, sometimes a girl likes what the boy is doing even when she knows it's wrong, and she doesn't try to stop him."

  "Then why didn't you stop, even if Emily didn't want you to?"

  Because after being horny just looking at her that day at the ranch, and finally getting her alone at the cabin, and she was as eager as he, it would have taken an act of God to stop them...

  "You'll understand better how things happen when you're older," Adam said. "For now, promise me you'll save yourself for your husband, even when you're engaged and think it's okay because you'll soon be married. I don't want you messing up like I did."

  Maddy shrugged. "Sure. It's no problem. It sounds gross."

  Adam could go into a long dissertation about how what might seem gross to a thirteen-year-old girl is far from gross when tongues start tangling, and passions start heating up, and clothes start coming off...

  "So, is it a boy or a girl?" Maddy asked.

  "A boy," Adam replied. "His name is Jesse, and he'll be three in April."

  "Does he look like you?" Maddy asked.

  Adam couldn't help smiling when he replied, "Yeah, he looks like me, and you and your brothers."

  "But not Marc," Maddy said, reminding Adam that Marc was still on Maddy' mind.

  Adam shook his head. "Marc's his own person. He left to find his family and after he does, he'll be back. But one day he'll be married and have kids who look like him and that will be good." But he wondered about that too. Marc never dated in high school. His interest had always been academic. So, maybe he was on his way to becoming a professor somewhere. Their grandmother would be pleased. She'd tried to impress on all of them the importance of an education, and of all her grandchildren, the one who wasn't blood kin showed the most promise.

  "Will you be bringing Jesse here to live with us?" Maddy asked.

  "I don't know," Adam replied. "It's complicated. But it'll all work out. Meanwhile, I smell gingerbread, and Mom probably has the house parts cooling right now, so we'd better get in there and put together the best gingerbread house in the county."

  Maddy hopped off the bed, like she was relieved the discussion was over, and Adam followed behind, while wondering if he actually would one day have his son at the ranch. He also considered the logistics of raising a boy who, two days before, he hadn't known existed.

  Knowing that the safekeeping and emotional wellbeing of a little boy, not yet three, was resting on his shoulders, was mind-boggling. It was also fulfilling in a way he hadn't expected, and he was anxious to get back to the cabin, if only to begin the long journey to becoming Jesse's father. But another part of him wanted to get back for a very different reason. Emily would welcome him in her bed, a thought that had been haunting him ever since he'd turned
her down. He wasn't sure he'd have the strength or the will, to do it again.

  CHAPTER 6

  Adam arrived at the cabin with two hounds scouting the area with their noses to the ground, yet not showing signs of tracking the scent of the lion, so he knew the lion was no longer in the area. Whether the big cat would stay away was anyone's guess, but as long as the dogs remained in the vicinity and showed no sign of catching a scent, it would be safe for Emily and Jesse to walk around outside. The dogs would also bark if anyone approached, which relieved another burden. Erik couldn't arrive without warning.

  Emily met him on the porch, and the look on her face was one of relief, and excitement. But when he dismounted and walked up to her, Adam also saw the old light smoldering in her eyes. It was easy to detect because her eyes became all pupils with hazel rims, and her lips parted to accommodate her quickened breaths, and her nostrils flared slightly, and when she looked at him the way she was at the moment, he knew. He just didn't know how to handle it now.

  There had been no problem when they were engaged. Their love would be forever, and the natural thing was to consummate it whenever they had the chance. Being candid with each other when they wanted to make love, and talking openly about what each could do to please the other, was to be the foundation of the physical side of their marriage, an openness with each other's bodies that would be there until they were too old to care—although for him that day would never come. And from the way Emily responded when they'd made love, he knew it was important to her too. Then Erik came home on Army leave…

  "Jesse watched you from the window," Emily said in an excited voice, as Adam stood not more than a couple of feet away, a small pack slung over his shoulder. "I told him Daddy was here and he didn't run and hide. He might still be in the living room. He also played with his frog in the tub." Her smile that followed was almost Adam's undoing. But now, the passion he'd seen moments before had been replaced by excitement.