Becoming Jesse's Father (Dancing Moon Ranch Book 5) Read online

  "Then we'll go to Portland," Adam said, "but there's no getting around returning to the ranch so I can get my truck."

  As they approached the cabin, Jesse tucked his head under Adam's chin and made no move to get down. Adam tipped his face to the side so he could look at Jesse, and said, "You want Daddy to make a nice warm bath for you?" Although Jesse didn't say anything, Adam felt Jesse nod against his neck, an almost imperceptible gesture, but Adam knew it was another small baby step toward becoming Jesse's father.

  ***

  With Emily sitting behind Adam on the horse, and Jesse in the saddle in front of Adam, and the dogs loping ahead, they headed down the mountain to the ranch. They started out at dusk so it would be dark by the time they arrived, but when they finally reached the end of the trail where the woods opened into the clearing, and Emily looked across at the lodge, the ranch houses, the stable and barn and other outbuildings that made up the ranch, all standing out beneath the glow from several overhead utility lights, she started shivering. It wasn't the cold. She was bundled in the parka she'd worn when she'd hiked in with Jesse. It was pure panic.

  She'd had an hour, while sitting behind Adam on the horse, to think about everything that could go wrong while at the ranch, and her greatest fear was that people in town would learn she was there. Not only was Sheridan a small community, it was the site of a federal penitentiary, and McMinnville was the county seat.

  "What's wrong?" Adam asked, while tipping his head back to talk to her. "You're shaking."

  "I'm worried word could get out while I'm here," Emily replied. "Maybe it already has. Sheridan's small and people talk. Word could have already gotten back to Erik."

  "Trust me, Em. We'll be fine," Adam said. "My folks will not have said anything to anyone beyond the ranch, and the boys are out of school for Christmas and won't be talking to friends. Besides, they all have other more important things to talk about than what's going on with us."

  "If Jesse and I stay in one of the cabins that's closed for the season, and we leave early tomorrow morning before anyone gets up, no one would know I'm here," Emily said.

  "They already know we're coming," Adam replied. "Dad said he'd get a cabin ready and turn on the heat so it would be warm by the time we arrive."

  Another worry, Emily thought. Her presence back at the ranch. Earlier that day Adam hiked up the mountain to the top of the ridge where he could get a cell signal, and called the ranch, and although he'd reported that his parents were expecting them, the brooding look on his face told the whole story. She was not welcome back in Adam's life. And she didn't expect to be. She was returning to the ranch with Grace and Jack Hansen's grandson, whom she'd had out of wedlock with their son, then given birth to while married to another man. She'd also left behind a lot of wedding expenses for a wedding that never took place, and even though she intended to make good on those, it would be years before she could. Her best hope for the next two days was that she wouldn't have to face Grace and Jack Hansen, or anyone else on the ranch.

  Seeing Maddy would be especially awkward since she'd asked Maddy to be her flower girl. Maddy had been thrilled with the prospect. Not only would she be able to wear the beautiful new dress she showed to everyone who came to the house, but she'd be the first one down the aisle, and would get to sprinkle a path of flower petals.

  "Dad opened the cabin on the end, since the waterlines in all the other cabins have been drained for the winter," Adam said, as they approached the stable. "Dad keeps that cabin ready for staff if someone needs to sleep over."

  "There's only one bed in that cabin," Emily said, knowing the cabin well. She and Adam had met there the night after they consummated their love in the mountain cabin. Adam wanted her at the ranch that Christmas so she wouldn't have to stay with her family, so Grace put her in one of the guest rooms in the lodge, and while Grace was busy with Christmas preparations for the family, and Jack was off with guests on a moonlight sleigh ride, she and Adam had an hour to themselves. But sharing that bed now was exactly what Adam didn't want.

  Leaning into Adam, she said, "I know how you feel about us being together, but we can share the bed without anything happening. I'll stay well to my side." Although she had no idea how she'd do that. She couldn't imagine lying beside Adam and not touching him. Even now, with her arms around him while they rode together, she was fighting the urge to tuck her hands under his parka and run her palms over his chest.

  "My dad doesn't intend for us to share the cabin," Adam said, guiding the horse to the hitching rail. "He expects me to stay at the house."

  "I guess I jumped to conclusions," Emily said. "Of course they'd expect you to stay with them." Still, after having Adam with her at the mountain cabin for the better part of three days, and his staying overnight one of those, even if they didn't share a bed, and seeing his determination to bond with Jesse and be a part of his life, she'd expected him to stay with her at the ranch cabin too, but now she knew she'd slipped into more wishful thinking.

  Adam tipped his head back, and said over his shoulder, "I only said they expect me to stay at the house. That doesn't mean I will."

  Emily felt the first glimmer of hope. "Then you're actually considering it?" she asked.

  Adam reined the horse to a halt in front of the stables. "I have no intention of leaving you and Jesse alone in that cabin. I'll get a cot for me and a folding crib for Jesse from the lodge."

  Still, Emily couldn't decide whether Adam intended to stick to his resolve to keep a distance between them in the close confines of the cabin. The night before, they'd been in separate rooms, she in the bedroom and Adam on the couch, but with Adam on a cot beside her bed, they'd hear each other breathing, and would be so close in the small cabin that she could reach out and touch Adam, and if she did, she'd have the same almost overwhelming urge to entangle her body with his the way it once had been.

  "Just stay put until I get Jesse down," Adam said, drawing Emily out of her thoughts of what could lay ahead. He lifted Jesse out of the saddle and hoisted him against his shoulder then raised his leg over the saddle horn and hopped to the ground. After setting Jesse down, Adam said to him, "Jesse, stay back from the horse." Jesse stepped back and waited as instructed.

  Adam turned and raised his arms to Emily, who brought her leg around, then bracing her hands on Adam's shoulders, she slid down. But when she was settled on the ground she didn't remove her hands from Adam's shoulders, nor did he release her waist, and as she held his intense gaze, she knew then what the outcome would be. And if it was to be her last night with Adam, she'd treasure every moment of it and try not to think beyond.

  CHAPTER 7

  While Adam was tending his horse, Emily took Jesse to the cabin and got him ready for bed. Because they'd had to ride triple on the horse, she wasn't able to bring much in the way of clothes, but what she did bring was in a small pack she'd carried on her back. It was already far past Jesse's bedtime by the time they'd arrived at the ranch, and she'd barely lowered him to the bed when he was fast asleep. A little while later, Adam joined them in the cabin.

  Looking down at Jesse on the bed, Adam said, "Jayne keeps a crib for when Becca visits with her daughter so I'll bring it here for Jesse. Jayne's also concerned about the situation with Erik, and she was asking questions."

  "What kind of questions?" Emily asked, feeling a wave of panic, wondering if Jayne and the others would take it upon themselves to get a restraining order against Erik in the event he showed up. The reality of that couldn't be shoved aside.

  "Questions about Erik's behavior. She said she wanted to talk to you," Adam said.

  "Tonight?" Emily asked.

  Adam shook his head. "Probably after we return from getting the DNA tests."

  This was exactly what Emily dreaded most. The whole family getting involved in what was going on. They'd be asking questions she couldn't answer without jeopardizing Jesse. She was even more anxious than before to return to the cabin and keep Adam there with them until sh
e was certain Jesse would be all right without her, at least for a little while. What the future held after that she didn't want to know. But for tonight, she'd try to block it from her mind and concentrate on the present.

  "Will he go back to sleep when I bring in the crib, or should we leave him there?" Adam asked, while looking down at Jesse.

  "He'll go back to sleep," Emily assured him. "He probably won't even wake up when you move him since he's such a sound sleeper."

  For a few moments Adam stood looking down at his son, then he said to Emily, "We need to talk before I go for the crib,"

  Emily shifted her gaze from Jesse's peaceful face to Adam's troubled one and wondered if she'd read him wrong when he'd helped her off of the horse. "If you're bothered by this arrangement I'll put the bolt on the door and Jesse and I will be fine by ourselves."

  "You won't be staying here alone," Adam said in a tone that wasn't open for argument, "but before we share this cabin, I want to ask you something."

  "About Erik?"

  Adam nodded. "I want to know what he did that kept you going back to him. All the time you dated him he was hot and cold, and when you'd be fed up and come to me and we'd talk it out you were sure it was over, and the next thing I knew you'd be back with him. Why?"

  "I don't know," Emily said in all honesty. "It was like he hypnotized me or something. I know it wasn't hypnosis, but he still somehow controlled me. I'd go back to him prepared to tell him it was over, but before I could get started he'd somehow make me feel that without him to direct my life and help me cope with all the garbage going on in my family I'd end up like my mother and father. Then he'd tell me I was his whole life and he loved me, and he wanted to be everything I wanted him to be, and he'd protect me, and on and on, until I believed him. So I'd be back with him. For a while he would be everything I wanted, then gradually things would slip back to what they were before, and the cycle would start all over."

  "But he was completely out of your life the last time," Adam said. "We were two weeks from getting married and you seemed happy. You held back nothing then, even conceived Jesse. Then Erik was home on leave a week and you were back with him. How did he do it?"

  "It was the same thing," Emily said. "During that week he followed me without my knowing, and one day after I left my house he walked up to me and said he wanted to spend some time with me to see how I was doing, that he'd been concerned while he was in training. I told him I was engaged to you and we were about to get married. He said he knew, which was why he wanted to talk to me about you, and since he wanted to visit his aunt at the coast, maybe I could drive with him. I don't know how he did it, but I agreed. But when we got to the coast, he made a call and said his aunt wasn't home—I learned later he didn't have an aunt there—but we might as well walk on the beach. So we did. He took my hand because he said it was easier to walk that way, then he started telling me he understood me in a way I didn't even understand myself, and he understood my family and how destructive they were, and you couldn't help me because you didn't have the kind of sixth sense he had that tapped into my psyche. By the time he finished with his litany of reasons why I needed him, and why you were wrong for me, I was so upset, and confused, and afraid, and sure he was right, I did exactly what he instructed me to do. I gave you back the ring and married him."

  Adam, standing with his arms folded, and his eyes fixed on her, said in an edgy tone, "What would keep you from going back to him if he showed up?"

  "Jesse," Emily replied. "If it weren't for him, I'd still be with Erik. He had that much control over me. But when he started playing the mind game with Jesse it wasn't about me anymore. Until then, he had complete control of me. I was afraid to go against any rules he set up for me."

  "Rules like what?" Adam asked, his tone tempered with concern.

  "Like not leaving the house without him. Not talking to neighbors or old friends," Emily said. "He even disconnected the phone to make sure I had no contact with anyone. My purpose was to follow the set of rules he had for me, which included servicing him no matter how exhausted I was after following his rules, like I was some kind of animal."

  "Then he raped you," Adam said.

  Emily shook her head. "He didn't have to. I never turned him down because I knew if I didn't appear as if I was bonded to him, he'd carry out some of the things he'd threatened to do. So I did what he wanted, which meant faking things."

  Adam unfolded his arms, which he lowered to his sides, but Emily saw his fists lightly knotted as he said, "What did he threaten to do?"

  Emily wrapped her arms around herself again. "For starters, strip me naked and put me out in a bad neighborhood at night and make me walk home. He said if other men got to me, I'd appreciate him."

  "That goddamned bastard," Adam said. "If he ever gets near you again I'll rip off his balls first then kill him. Why didn't you go to the police?"

  "He threatened to do other things, like kill the kitten in front of Jesse. Everything was a game with him, a game he had to win, and his way of winning was to first take me away from you, then make sure I'd never go back, which to him would mean complete defeat."

  Drawing in a long breath, Adam looked at her long and hard. Then lifting his hand to her face, he said, "I won't touch you tonight if you don't want me to, Em. It's okay. And if you just want me to lie in bed and hold you that's okay too. You've been through hell."

  Emily turned her face and kissed Adam's palm and held it to her cheek, and said, "You've been through hell too, and I don't want to just lay in bed with you. I need you."

  Adam curved his hand around Emily's neck and pulled her to him and kissed her, a kiss she welcomed by curving her arms around his neck and kissing him back, long and hard. Afterward, Adam looked at her and said, "I'm a fool, but I'll go get the crib."

  "What about the cot?"

  Adam kissed her again, and said, "I'll just get the crib."

  He had not been gone long when Emily was startled by a rapping on the door.

  Followed by a rush of adrenaline that made her heart pound and her legs weak.

  Backing toward the bed where Jesse lay sleeping, she was about to grab him and leave by a window, terrified that Erik had found her and could be just beyond the door, when she heard a voice. "Emily, it's Grace."

  Releasing the breath she'd been holding, and feeling suddenly faint, Emily waited a moment for the lightness to pass, before saying, "Yes, come in." But when Grace stepped into the cabin, the dizziness of moments before was replaced by apprehension. She couldn't imagine what Grace would want at this late hour, so she braced herself for whatever it would be.

  Grace quietly closed the door, then glancing at the bed where Jesse was sleeping, she said, "I'll talk softly. May I take a look at Jesse?"

  "Of course," Emily replied, "and you don't need to talk softly. Jesse's a very sound sleeper."

  Grace walked over to the bed and gazed down at Jesse, who was sleeping face up, with his arms bent back and his fists relaxed, completely at peace. Bending over him, Grace reached out and started to touch him, then retracted her hand, and said, "He's so much like Adam was at that age. Is he talking a lot? Adam started talking before he was two."

  "Jesse doesn't talk much," Emily said. "He knows a lot more words than he says, but things haven't been good for him, so he's very quiet."

  "Adam told us," Grace said. "Can we talk for a few minutes?"

  "Yes, I suppose," Emily replied, feeling increasingly uneasy about what Grace could have on her mind, yet knowing she had no choice but to listen.

  After pulling the single chair in the cabin forward for Grace to sit in, Emily lowered herself to the side of the bed, and said, before Grace could start, "I brought Jesse here so Adam could get to know him, but I also want you to know that I feel terrible about what I did to Adam and I can't even explain why I did it because I don't understand it myself."

  "Honey, I do understand some," Grace said. "Adam relayed what you told him, and knowing the length he's willing t
o go to protect you and Jesse, I realized, all this time I've been so caught up with the loss of one son, I'd completely neglected the other when he needed me most. We all knew there was a problem with Erik when you were dating him and you'd call Adam. Then when you and Adam became engaged and you were finally free of Erik, it nearly killed Adam when you went back, but I was so focused on Marc leaving the family that I wasn't there for Adam. After Adam told Jack and me what you told him tonight about Erik, we talked to Jayne and Sam, and Jayne recognized the same pattern she'd had with Becca's father, and she wants to talk to you. She's right outside."

  "Then maybe she can explain it to me in a way I can understand," Emily said.

  Grace went to the door and motioned for Jayne to come in.

  Jayne stepped inside, and after taking a moment to look at Jesse, she settled on the bed beside Emily, and said, "I know it's late, but it's important that we talk. Do you mind?"

  Emily shook her head. "My only concern is that Erik might find me, so I don't want anyone saying anything to anybody."

  "I understand, because I was in a similar situation with Becca's father," Jayne said. "You find yourself trapped in a relationship you know is destructive, yet you stay. But I want to get a little more information from you that might help you finally be free of Erik. First of all, did he ever threaten to kill you? Not just a veiled threat, but the actual words."

  Emily nodded. "He made an actual threat, but it was like a two-edged sword. He told me if I left him and took Jesse he'd track me down and kill us to keep us safe from others who might harm us."

  "That follows a pattern," Jayne said. "Did you ever try to leave before now?"

  Emily shook her head. "I slipped out of the house once and went to the library. I knew Erik would be gone all day and I wanted to go on the internet to try to find out what to do. That's when I realized Erik was a sociopath. He fit all the behavior patterns, and it all fell into place, but when I got home that day, he was there. Instead of going into a rage for leaving the house without him, he got Jesse's new kitten and threatened to kill him in front of Jesse. That's when I knew I had to get away, and when I finally did, this was the only place I could think to come where he wouldn't look for me, at least not right away."