Becoming Jesse's Father (Dancing Moon Ranch Book 5) Read online

  To Emily's surprise, Maureen extended her hand, and after Emily took it, Maureen said, "I hope you realize what you have. A man like Adam comes along once in a lifetime. I know because I was married to a man very much like him."

  Emily gave Maureen a faltering smile. "I do know, and I won't let him down this time."

  "No," Maureen said, "I don't believe you will. And if you put your son's needs first, and Adam's needs second, you'll never have to worry about your own needs because they'll always be met. That's the way a man like Adam works, even if he doesn't know it. And that's a little bit of wisdom from a woman who does."

  "Thank you," Emily said. Giving Maureen's hand a little squeeze, she turned and joined Adam, who was standing at the front door with Jesse in his arms.

  Once outside, Emily said to Adam, "I love your grandmother, and I'm feeling a little better about your mother, and Jayne and Sam are okay, but please don't ask me to be with them for Christmas. I just want to spend it with you and Jesse at the cabin, at least for a little while in the morning. But then you'll need to be with your family for Christmas dinner."

  "I know," Adam said. "Maybe someday it won't be awkward."

  Emily thought about that and wondered if she dared hope. Then looking at Adam, she said, "For whatever it's worth, if I could turn back the time to July 31st three years ago, Sophie and Rick would not have another chance to steal our wedding, you and Rick would still be close, and you would not have missed the first two years of Jesse's life. I messed up a lot of lives."

  Adam adjusted Jesse so he was sitting in the crook of his arm, then curved his other arm around Emily, and replied, "You did that all right. I just haven't figured out how to fix it."

  Emily was tempted to tell him she could think of one way to get things started, but knew it would take more than lovemaking to fix things now. But the day after Christmas she'd have to come clean with Adam. She'd put it off long enough.

  CHAPTER 9

  The following day they returned to the cabin on two horses. Adam lead the way, with Jesse in the saddle in front of him, and a rolled tarp filled with supplies he hoped they'd never have to use slung over his horse's rump. Emily rode on a horse behind, with another rolled tarp, that one filled with the new clothes he'd bought for Emily and Jesse, along with the Santa toys.

  For Adam, Christmas Eve brought to him a whole new perspective. In a week and a half the little person in front of him had burrowed into his heart, and now he'd give his life for him, just as he would for Emily. It was strange, placing less value on his life than on the lives of two other human beings. Strange, but satisfying.

  This time he left the dogs behind, assuming the lion had moved on. He'd seen no signs of it, and even the buzzards had left, presumably to track the lion in search of another carcass to pick.

  He glanced up at a gray sky heavy with snow on the verge of falling then looked back to see how Emily was doing. "Are you okay?" he asked.

  "I'm fine," Emily replied.

  "I think Jesse's enjoying the ride," Adam said. "He's quiet, but he's looking around."

  "He never got out much before," Emily replied. "This is good for him."

  Adam thought about that too. What kind of inhuman monster could threaten a woman and child the way Erik had? He'd sized up the bastard in high school as a self-centered SOB, but never could he have imagined the extent of it. The one thing he vowed he'd do during the next few days would be to show Emily again how to handle the shotgun and insist she keep it close at hand when inside the cabin, and with her when she was outside, even if it was only to go to the outhouse. It wasn't the lion he was worried about now.

  With everyone at the ranch knowing of Emily's whereabouts, and the town of Sheridan small enough that news circulated fast, word could have easily gotten back to Erik from any number of high school classmates. But with the exception of a couple of hours for Christmas dinner at the ranch the next day, and an hour each way for the ride between the cabin and the ranch, he had no intention of leaving Emily and Jesse alone, and that was the way it would be until he moved them to a place where they'd be safe. Even leaving them for the few hours on Christmas worried him, but he wouldn't put pressure on Emily to go. She'd had her fill of a man running her life.

  By the time they arrived at the cabin, a light snow had started to fall. Adam hoisted the tarps off the horses and set them on the porch, then went to tend the horses, while Emily took Jesse and went inside. The cabin was cold after two days without heat, so Emily left Jesse bundled up in his coat while she started a fire in the fireplace. She was getting adept at doing it now, and she quickly scrunched up papers and added several sticks of kindling and a couple of logs, then striking a match to it, knew the small cabin would be toasty warm before long.

  When Adam returned to the cabin after taking care of the horses, a fire crackled on the hearth, the table was set, the dinner menu planned, and Jesse was on the couch surrounded by books and stuffed animals while holding the carved wooden frog.

  "The snow's coming down a little harder now, which is good," Adam said. "It'll cover our tracks." He set the rolled tarps just inside the front door, then shrugged out of his parka and hung it on a wooden peg. For a few moments he remained standing where he was while watching Jesse from a distance, a glimmer of amusement in his eyes, a smile of affection on his lips.

  As Emily looked at a face she'd tried over the years to hold in memory, it was all she could do to keep from going over to Adam and putting her arms around him and letting him take it from there, wherever it would lead, which she'd hope would be to bed…

  She'd barely finished that thought when Adam walked up to her, and said, "It's my first Christmas with Jesse. I want us to cut a tree and bring it in and decorate it. Mom packed a box of ornaments and candy canes, and she also included a big store-bought gingerbread boy cookie for Jesse. She wants it to come from Santa and be under the tree tomorrow morning."

  Emily felt saddened that the cookie had been store-bought because it reaffirmed that Grace was depressed, but she was touched by Grace's thoughtfulness. "Then she's okay with us staying here together?" she asked.

  Adam shrugged. "Let's just say she's becoming resigned to it. I also think Jesse’s helping make Christmas a little better for her, maybe because she'll have six boys at the table again."

  "Then you and Jesse will live there, if I have to… well, you know."

  "What you're trying to say isn't going to happen," Adam said. "But my mother will want to babysit whenever she can, and Maddy too. Jesse will know what it's like to be loved."

  Tears filled Emily's eyes. She swiped them away, and said, "I'm not crying, I'm just happy."

  Adam slipped his arms around her. "Then we'll make this Christmas special."

  "It already is," Emily said. "Jesse still doesn't know about Christmas though. He saw the tree at your folk's house and stared at it some, but he has no idea what it's all about. He was too young last year to understand, so this really will be his first Christmas."

  "And it's my first year being Santa." Adam pulled Emily to him and kissed her soundly, and said, "Honey, we'd better get the tree before things heat up right here in the living room."

  Emily didn't reply. She was still reeling from the kiss, and the endearment, and the implication of what would take place later. Adam might have bought her a beautiful sweater for Christmas, but the gift she wanted most would cost him nothing, and she intended to start collecting as soon as Santa was finished arranging toys under the tree...

  "Em?" Emily looked at Adam with a start. "You're smiling," Adam said. "What's going through your mind?'

  Emily placed her hands on Adam's waist, and with her thumbs resting where his jeans stretched tight across the front, she said, "I was thinking about the gift I want from Santa tonight. I'm anxious to unwrap it, and we'd better go get the tree before I start doing just that."

  ***

  Emily's words, and the path of her thumbs as she said them, had so taken Adam by surprise he was r
eady to give up the idea of cutting a tree and instead, put Jesse down for a nap and give Emily the gift she wanted. But Emily was already bundling Jesse in his coat and mittens, so it would have to wait.

  "There you go, honey," Emily said, as she pulled the hood of Jesse's new jacket up over his head. Adam wanted Jesse to have a jacket with fake fur around his face to hold in the warmth of his breath in the event they had to leave during another snow storm. Oregon didn't usually have so much snow, at least not in the lower areas where the ranch sat, but this winter had been plagued with record snowfalls, and predictions were for yet more snow. At least the old well was covered with boards and plywood that he'd found under the cabin, even though it was also covered with snow. He'd taken a lot of time after the incident with Jesse falling into the abandoned well to make sure it was safe.

  Emily shoved her arms into her own parka then nudged Jesse outside.

  Although it had only just started to snow again, there was a crust on the ground from the last snow, and each time Jesse took a step, his foot broke through the crust and he found himself knee-deep in snow, so when Adam lifted him up and put him on his shoulders, Jesse didn't object. Tipping his head back, Adam looked up at him and said, "Are you okay, son?"

  Jesse patted Adam on the sides of the head with both hands, and said, "Daddy okay."

  Adam tightened his hands around Jesse's legs and wondered if he could ever love a son more. It also gave him a little insight into what his mother was going through. She'd raised seven children, and even though he'd made a cutting remark to Marc just before he left home that whenever he sneezed their mother was there to wipe his nose, it wasn't so. She'd been there for all of her kids because they, along with their dad, were her whole life. She'd showered them with love, and shielded them from pain. Her failed effort to raise him and Marc as fraternal twins was because she wanted Marc to feel as loved as the others, even if he wasn't a Hansen by blood. But maybe Jesse would help fill the void left by Marc.

  Trudging through the snow, Adam took them to a grove of small cedars that had sprung up from cones dropped by a giant cedar, and set Jesse on the ground to pick out a tree. Adam didn't care which. This was Jesse's Christmas, and if he wanted an old dead limb to decorate that was fine with him. But instead of choosing from the nicely-filled, shoulder-high, cedar saplings they were standing among, Jesse scurried off to where a spindly fir stood by itself. The thing had a twisted trunk and asymmetrical branches with sparse needles, but when Jesse put his mittened hand on it and looked at Adam and said, "My tree," Adam promptly sawed it down.

  By the time they returned to the cabin, with Jesse perched on Adam's shoulders, and Emily dragging the spindly tree behind in one hand, and holding a fistful of greenery for a table decoration in the other, the snow was falling steadily.

  As they walked, Adam felt Jesse raise his arms, and when he looked up to where Jesse sat on his shoulders, he saw him opening his mouth to catch the snowflakes. He caught Emily's eye and saw her smile and decided, while they were at the cabin, he'd see that smile again often. He also intended to see a different kind of smile after Jesse was asleep, when he'd give Emily the gift she hadn't been shy about asking for, because like he told her earlier, he was a fool. A love-smitten fool. He'd been one ever since the day Emily smiled at him during play practice. And through all the garbage with Erik, just seeing her smile meant she was happy, for a little while.

  "Daddy, tree," Jesse said, as Emily dragged the tree up the steps.

  "Yeah, I'd better help Mommy with it," Adam replied, as he lifted Jesse off his shoulders. Then he realized it was the first time he'd referred to Emily as Mommy. It seemed right, the two of them being Jesse's Mommy and Daddy.

  "I liked the sound of that, " Emily said. "Erik never referred to me as Mommy when he talked to Jesse. It was always your mother, like it was something not so good."

  "Honey, let's keep Erik out of this cabin, and our family," Adam said.

  "Yes, you're right," Emily replied. "And now, we have the challenge of decorating a tree with twelve branches."

  Adam laughed, then took the tree from her and carried it into the cabin. After placing a bucket in the corner of the cabin, he set the tree in the middle then wedged in four small fireplace logs and a few strips of kindling to stabilized the tree. He secured it with twine, which he looped around the trunk at the top and tied to a nail in the log wall. That done, he turned to Jesse, and said, "You ready to decorate the tree?"

  Jesse gazed at the tree, eyes wide with wonder, then looked up at Adam, and said, "Do tree." Grabbing a fistful of candy canes, he stood in front of the tree, a puzzled frown on his brow while trying to figure out what to do next. Adam took a candy cane, and crouching beside Jesse, showed him how to hang it on a low limb.

  A half hour later, after picking Jesse up so he could reach high in the tree to hang the last of the ornaments, the tree glittered with red and white candy canes that hung askew and randomly placed ornaments which hung at lopsided angles. The last ornament to be hung was a star, and Adam lifted Jesse up high so he could put it on top of the tree. When they were finished, they stood back admiring the tree, Adam holding Jesse in the crook of one arm and Emily in the curve of the other.

  Turning from the tree, Emily looked up at Adam, and said, "I'll get The Night Before Christmas book we bought and you can sit on the couch with Jesse and read to him and tell him about Santa, while I fix dinner."

  Emily returned with the book, and while Adam sat on the couch with Jesse in his lap, reading about flying reindeer and sugarplums, Emily fixed a meal of canned yams, canned Boston Baked beans, canned tamales and crackers.

  Later that evening, while Adam helped Jesse bathe in the tin tub, Emily went into the bedroom to search through the packages for Jesse's new pajamas, and when she returned to the living room she found Adam crouched on his knees, dragging the wash cloth over Jesse's back as Jesse scooted the yellow duck over the surface of the water. But an instant later, Jesse released the duck and flattened his palms against the water, sending droplets splashing against Adam's face. "Whoa there, buddy," Adam said. But his eyes were bright, and his face held a smile of amusement, and all Emily wanted to do was to stand where she was and watch.

  Adam, catching sight of her, said to Jesse, "I think Mommy's ready to put you in your new PJs. You ready to get out?"

  Jesse stood, sending a rush of water cascading down his little body, and said, "Daddy do."

  Adam looked at Emily, who held out the pajamas, and said, "Daddy, you're doing fine. So while you're drying your little clone I'll fix a pad on the floor for him. I found a stack of blankets in the closet and some flannel sheets. It'll make a nice bed."

  Emily used the excuse that it was Christmas Eve to put Jesse to bed a little earlier than usual. But with the short winter days, it had already been dark for a couple of hours and the cabin glowed softly from the light of several lanterns, so Jesse made no fuss when Emily laid him on the pad and tucked him in. But after she'd kissed him goodnight and started to go, Jesse raised his arms, and said, "Daddy kiss."

  "Okay, sweetheart, I'll get Daddy," Emily said. But when she turned to get Adam, she found him standing in the doorway, a look on his face she could only describe as pure love.

  Walking over to where Jesse lay, Adam crouched and gathered him in his arms and held him for a long time, so long, Emily was worried Jesse might want to get up again. Then Adam kissed him on the forehead, tucked the quilt around him, and said, "Good night, son. I love you."

  Jesse glanced at Emily, who was standing behind Adam, and said, "Mommy love."

  "Yes, Mommy loves you too," Adam said. "Now you need to go to sleep so Santa will come, and when you wake up, there will be toys under the tree just for you."

  Jesse smiled and hunkered down into the covers, and Adam kissed him again and left the room, pulling the door quietly behind.

  As Emily started to turn away, Adam tugged her against him and kissed her long and hard, and she curved her arms around hi
s neck and kissed him back. But before the kiss could escalate into more, Adam braced his hands on her shoulders and said, "We'll continue this later. I've got to check on the horses, and when I'm done, you can use the outhouse while I stand guard. I haven't seen any tracks or heard any cries, but that doesn't mean the lion won't return and lay in wait." After giving her one last short, sweet kiss, he took the lantern and headed for the barn. And Emily went to clean up the kitchen.

  Later, after Adam returned the tin tub to the corner of the room and spread out the bearskin rug, and banked the fire for the night so the cabin would remain warm for the next few hours, Emily brought out the bag with the toys and books.

  While they were shopping, she explained to Adam how it had been with Erik, and that she didn't want to buy any toys like those Jesse left behind because Erik used them to control Jesse, giving them to him and taking them away, until toys became a means of control, not pleasure for Jesse. It would be a new experience for Jesse, learning that the toys he got from now on would be his to keep, or to share with friends if he wanted, but that no one would take them away from him ever again.

  As she looked over the assortment, she was pleased that Adam picked them out. A little wooden wagon filled with alphabet blocks reminded him of the blocks he'd had when he was Jesse's age, and which had been passed down the line. The small metal dump truck with a bed that tipped back with the flip of a lever was similar to a Tonka truck he'd spent hours filling and dumping in the sandbox his dad built. And there were cowboy boots. Every Hansen kid got their first pair when they were two. Jesse wasn't far behind. The wooden train set that included an engine, a caboose, several cars, and sections of wooden track that hooked together, wasn't something from Adam's past, but he bought it for Jesse because every boy needed a train from Santa. The only gift Emily selected was a stuffed teddy bear, dressed in red pajamas and a matching night cap, who sang Silent Night when its paw was pressed. She knew the bear would draw a big smile from Jesse, and would be something he could take to bed with him.