Becoming Jesse's Father (Dancing Moon Ranch Book 5) Read online

  "Yeah, I heard something about that," Adam said, while trying to swallow the lump of jealousy that to Emily, the man she'd dumped was nothing but a cowboy, while she was married to a man who the whole damn town set on some kind of pedestal as an idol. "So he's giving you a bunch of crap right now and you're hiding out here until you throw in the rag again and go crawling back to him. I've heard that before. And just for the record, whatever Erik is now he hasn't changed. He was a manipulative shithead before you married him and he still is, except now he's a manipulative shithead with a green beret."

  "He's also a dangerous man," Emily said, her voice shaky. "I've left him for good this time."

  "Hell, Emily, you left him for good so many times I lost track," Adam said. "What's different about this time?"

  "I divorced him," Emily replied. "It was final a week ago."

  "Then why are you here? He's out of your life."

  Emily started rubbing her hands up and down her arms, and Adam could see she was shaking. Still, he made no move toward her. He couldn't. If he were to walk up to her and she opened her arms to him, he'd be the same damn fool he'd always been when he was around her, and this time it wouldn't happen.

  "He was stalking me," Emily said.

  "Then why didn't you get a restraining order against him?"

  "You don't understand," Emily said. "He got a restraining order against me. He convinced the judge I was mentally unstable, and that I was an unfit... umm... wife."

  "An unfit wife?" Adam eyed her dubiously. "What in hell is an unfit wife?"

  "Maybe I didn't mean that," Emily said.

  Adam knew she meant exactly that, or some version of it. She was covering up something. But for now there was about two feet of snow on the roof, and if he didn't shovel it off the whole thing was likely to collapse. "You can explain later. I need to bring in the supplies, shovel off the roof, and try to figure out what to do with you. I can't bring you back with me to the ranch because you're not very welcome there, and I suppose you don't have any friends in town."

  Emily shook her head. "If I can stay here a couple of weeks I'll try to figure out some place to go, but I need a job, and it has to be someplace where Erik can't find me."

  Adam studied her troubled face, still beautiful, still able to make him feel things, and wondered what it would take to get her out of his system. He thought he had, until he remembered earlier today it was December 15th, and the reality of what it meant hit him. Then he stepped into Rick and Sophie's house and looked around a room filled with kids, and love, and womanly touches, and saw Sophie with the triplets, and Rick assuring her how it would be when he returned from patching up the dog, and it all came rushing back. Along with his resentment that Rick had it all. and he had nothing… except for a woman who was staring at him and looking like a wounded animal, and who was also feeding him a bunch of bullshit, because a gut feeling told him there was a lot more going on than she was revealing.

  Deciding he didn't want to know what it was, he said, "I'll get the supplies and shovel off the roof so I can leave here before dark," then turned and left to unpack the mule.

  He'd stock the cabin with food and make sure Emily had enough wood to keep her going for the next couple of weeks while he looked into finding her a job, some place far away from the ranch. But then he'd send her on her way. The sooner she was out of his life, the better.

  ***

  Emily glanced through the cabin window at Adam, who had unstrapped a large pack from the back of the mule and was hefting it onto the porch. He unfastened a rope holding it together and unfolded the flaps. As she watched him setting out grocery bags filled with canned goods, the full impact of Adam's presence hit her. His presence had always been with her over the years, but it had been intangible, unreachable, unlike when they were in high school and she'd call him late at night and he'd come, and he'd convince her to leave Erik… until Erik would twist her mind and promise her the world.

  The mind control had been building steadily over the two years she and Erik dated, but it had been so subtle she'd been unaware of it. What she hadn't anticipated, after they married, was Erik loving her with the same intensity he worked his mind games. But it was a selfish love, a devouring, consuming, self-satisfying kind of love that literally felt like Erik was sucking out her soul. Which he had in a sense. Now, for the first time in years, she didn't feel like she was being slowly strangled. She was free of the psychological threats and emotional enslavement that kept her constantly aware that Erik was potentially a very dangerous man.

  Free, unless Erik discovered where she was.

  Watching Adam, and seeing the hard look on his face, she knew he was out of reach to her now. He'd never find himself in a relationship with her again, and she understood. But she had something of his he wouldn't turn away from, if he knew. But that was her dilemma. Jesse might be Adam's son by blood, but he was Erik's son by law, and there was no way Erik would give up that power over her. Adam was also no match for Erik. Adam might be a big man with the strength of an ox, but Erik was an ex-Green Beret who prided himself on having the brains and brawn to overcome impossible odds, and who could improvise in any situation.

  When he was on active duty, his goal had been to have the toughness and killer instinct to win in any situation. For Erik, whether in combat or in a relationship, it was always about mind games and winning, until he'd become something between an animal and a human. Someone with the instincts of an attack dog. He didn't develop the killer instinct through the program though. He was drawn to Special Forces because the instinct was already there, waiting to be developed into the soulless machine he'd become. His plans now were to hire out as a mercenary and be the best there was, which, she had no doubt, he'd be. He had no conscience, so he wasn't hindered by remorse or guilt. He'd also continued the rigorous training that had become a part of his life in Special Forces, constantly pushing himself to the limits of human endurance.

  Not wanting Adam to learn about Jesse until she had a chance to impress on Adam what was at stake, if he tried to fight Erik for his son, Emily stepped out onto the porch to keep Adam from going inside and said, "I'll take all that stuff in so you can start shoveling snow off the roof."

  Adam stood, bringing his tall, muscular frame not more than a couple of feet from her, so close she could feel his warm breath on her face and see the pulse beating in his neck, making her feel things she hadn't felt in years. He also looked as if he were about to reach out and touch her, and from the intense look in his eyes, she wondered if he might. That look came back to her now, a look that told her she was the focus of his world.

  Then the muscles in his jaw bunched, and he said, "Maybe you could open a can of chili and heat it on the stove, and make a pot of coffee. I'll need something before I start back."

  Emily looked beyond him at a scene fading into darkness and almost obliterated by snow that was coming down heavily, and said, "It's going to be dark by the time you finish shoveling the roof. Maybe tonight you should consider—" She stopped short of suggesting he stay. If she heated the chili and made the coffee while Adam shoveled off the roof, he might still leave before discovering Jesse.

  "I'm not staying the night in case that's what you were about to say," Adam replied, "and I don't need to tell you why."

  Emily saw the hardened look on his face and the bitterness in his eyes. He had a right to be bitter. But if she could have just one wish right now, it would be to see him smile again, just one smile to let her know that somewhere inside him was the man she'd once known and loved. She still did love him, but there was no way she could explain to him the hold Erik had on her, or convince him that, even when she married Erik, she loved him still. She barely understood it herself. "Then you'll be coming back in a few days?" she asked.

  "I suppose," Adam replied. "I'll do what I can about finding you a place where you'll be safe, but then you'll have to go." Without waiting for her response he grabbed the snow shovel, and launching himself onto the ba
ck of his horse, stood on the saddle and jumped to the roof.

  Emily turned and went into the cabin and hoped Adam wouldn't discover Jesse yet. If Adam was bitter now, she had no idea what his state of mind would be on learning he had a son, and that she'd kept him from knowing about it because she'd been too frozen in fear of what Erik would do if Adam showed up claiming his son.

  She also knew it was only a matter of time before Erik would track her down, and even though Erik didn't know about the cabin, he'd find her, like a shark sniffing blood, if only to take from her the most precious thing she possessed. Erik would be taking Adam's son as well because Adam had no legal claim on him. But if Adam knew, he'd fight Erik to the death to claim his son, and in spite of his size and strength, Adam was no match for Erik.

  CHAPTER 2

  Adam had just finished strapping the empty pack on Gus when Emily came out of the cabin with a bowl of chili in one hand and a mug of coffee in the other. He brushed off the snow from the hood and sleeves of his parka and stepped onto the porch and took the mug from her and set it on an upside down bucket, then took the bowl of chili, and said, "I could have eaten inside."

  "I figured you were anxious to leave," Emily replied. "Are you sure you'll be okay riding back in this snow? It will be dark before you get to the ranch."

  Adam thought those odd questions, like she cared some. "Are you concerned or are you just making conversation?" he asked, then realized he was acting like the jilted jerk he was, but being on the defensive didn't sit well with him, especially with the woman he'd been ready to lay down his life for, and probably still would if it came to that.

  Emily raised her hand as if to touch him, which brought an immediate reaction from him, which he suppressed by lowering the hand he'd started to reach out to her with. Then Emily folded her arms, tucking her hands into the crooks of her elbows, and said, "I still care about you, Adam, and yes I'm concerned about you heading back to the ranch in the dark in a snowstorm."

  For a few moments Adam said nothing, because his mind was trying to formulate something meaningful out of her words, when the fact was, they were just meaningless words to fill the gap in an awkward conversation, nothing more. "The snow and darkness are no problems," he said. "I could fall asleep in the saddle and Max would take me home." He shoveled a spoonful of chili into his mouth, then another, and before long he was scraping the bowl clean. After setting the bowl on the bucket, he lifted the mug and took a swallow of coffee, mainly to do something with a pair of restless hands, then went over to his saddle and, pulling his rifle from its scabbard, went back to stand with her on the porch, under the roof overhang, and said, "Keep it handy in case you need to use it."

  Emily stared at the rifle, then looking up at him, she said, "What about you? You told me bears roamed the hills at night and you keep the gun to scare them off."

  "I do," Adam replied, "but I'm not about to leave you here unarmed." He held out the rifle.

  Emily took it, and clasping it in both hands said, "You never taught me how to shoot."

  Adam let out a short derisive laugh, and replied, "That's because you never stayed around here long enough to learn."

  Emily raised her eyes from the rifle and pinned him with a pair of soulful hazel eyes that had the power of drawing him back into her messed up world, and said, "I'm sorry, Adam. I guess I've always been a thorn in your side."

  "You've been that all right," Adam replied. "So pay attention and I'll show you how to use this thing. First, set the butt against your shoulder, and then..." He stepped behind her, and moving his hands around, nudged her elbow up, lifting her arm with the rifle. Wrapping his hand around her forearm he pushed the butt of the rifle tighter against her shoulder while inhaling the smell of hair that had almost escaped his memory.

  Emily's hair had a spicy smell—honey and cinnamon, she told him years before, a combination she used as a conditioner on occasion. He felt her back pressed to his chest and realized she'd leaned into him and had tipped her head back against his shoulder. He nuzzled the top of her head and felt her lean further into him, and in an instant he was in protective mode, shielding Emily from Erik, from her messed up life, from the world.

  And that was all it took to remind him that for years he'd been like a post to prop her up when she was down, and she was definitely down now. But he refused to be that post anymore.

  Releasing her, he moved away some. While avoiding touching her, he placed his hand on the stock and pushed on it, and said, "Keep the recoil pad firm against your shoulder and look through this—" again, without touching her, he pointed to the rear sight "—and move the barrel around until the front sight's in between the notches, then slowly squeeze the trigger."

  When Emily appeared to be distracted and not listening to what he was saying, Adam took the rifle from her hands and returned it to the scabbard, and said, "This isn't working. You'll need a shot gun if there's trouble. I'll bring one tomorrow and show you how to use it. For now, go use the outhouse while I'm here and you won't have to go back outside again until morning. There's an iron bolt on the front door of the cabin. It'll keep any stray bears out."

  Emily glanced around at the closed front door, and said, "I guess you're right, I'll get my boots." She went inside, closing the door behind her.

  It struck Adam as odd that she hadn't insisted he come in, if only to warm himself by the fire before heading down the mountain. He started to let himself in to do just that then reconsidered. When he stood with his arms around Emily and she tipped her head against his shoulder and leaned into his chest, and he caught the whiff of old memories, it set into motion a glut of emotional baggage he'd thought he was done with and reminded him of the driving need he'd once had for her. Some things die slowly. That was one of them. But it was fully alive now.

  Emily emerged from the cabin a couple of minutes later, garbed in boots, a heavy jacket and a wool hat. "I'll hurry," she said. "I'm sure you're anxious to get back." Turning, she trudged in snow up to her knees as she made her way to the outhouse.

  As he waited, Adam looked at the cabin, remembering the first time he and Emily had come there. The ride up had been planned so they could have a couple of hours to themselves, away from the ranch and the guests, a place where they could be completely alone. He'd given her an engagement ring at Christmas and brought her to the ranch to get to know the family, even though they'd known her as his classmate over the years, and as Erik's girlfriend. Things were different by then. Erik was in the Army and finally out of Emily's life. But later that day, he suggested they take the horses and ride to the cabin so he could show her the view from the top of the mountain. She was eager to go, but the view of the surroundings was short, and the time inside the cabin had not been spent in conversation...

  As Emily returned from the outhouse, he was still enmeshed in thoughts of how it had been with her the first time. They'd been engaged several months but still hadn't consummated their love because they'd been living in student housing and the time was never right. But alone with him at the cabin, Emily gave it her all, and afterwards, he bathed her in the old tin tub. And now she was back, and once again he felt the old tug-o-war, but this time, instead of Emily being in the middle, with him and Erik pulling on the ropes, he was in the middle with a noose tightening around his heart.

  It was irrational and unhealthy to obsess over a woman who moved in and out of his life because of her equally irrational and unhealthy relationship with another man. He was glad his dad wanted him back tonight because if he stayed, and Emily wanted him in her bed for whatever reason, he'd go through the same hell he'd always gone through when she teetered on the tightrope between him and Erik. But no more.

  "Then you will be back tomorrow?" Emily asked, as she approached.

  Adam saw a face, deeply troubled, and afraid, and alone. He was tempted to say to hell with the past and put it behind, and crawl into bed with her, and protect her from Erik and the world forever. Hardening himself to that scenario, he said
, "If I can't make it I'll send one of my brothers up with a shotgun and he can show you how to use it." He didn't want to come back. Another couple of hours with her, along with a whole list of irrational excuses why things would be different this time, and he'd be back where he was before—a man obsessing over a woman who didn't know her own mind and probably never would.

  "Please don't send one of your brothers," Emily said, quickly. "I don't want anyone to know I'm here."

  Adam looked at her warily. "You said Erik wouldn't come looking for you here, so why would it matter if one of my brothers came?"

  "They'd talk about my being back," Emily said. "You have no idea the extent to which Erik will go to find me. It's a mind game with him, and this time I beat him at his own game and he can't lose that control. Please, Adam, promise you won't tell anyone I'm here."

  When Adam didn't reply, because he didn't see how he could get around telling his folks, Emily said again, "Please, Adam, you have to promise you won't say anything."

  Adam sucked in a chest full of frigid air that stung his lungs, and said, "Okay, I'll come myself, but if Erik's determined to find you, you can't stay here alone. I'll try to figure out a place for you to go." Without waiting for her response, he turned, gathered up Gus's lead line, mounted Max, and headed back down the mountain.

  ***

  Late the following morning, Adam had just saddled Max and was strapping the scabbard with the shotgun to the saddle, when his father entered the stables. Eyeing Adam with concern, he said, "Don't go off. I need you to help the boys round up some cattle that got out last night."

  "I'll be back in a couple of hours," Adam said, and hoped he wouldn't be forced to explain why he was returning to the cabin.

  "Where are you going with that?" Jack asked, eyeing the shotgun.

  "I spotted tracks up at the cabin," Adam replied, not exactly a lie, since he'd seen squirrel and raccoon tracks all over the snow near the cabin.