Becoming Jesse's Father (Dancing Moon Ranch Book 5) Read online

  "I assume you don't intend to track down a bear or a mountain lion with a shotgun," Jack said. From the look on his father's face, Adam knew he expected an explanation.

  Adam clenched his jaws as he deliberated about how much to tell his dad. Emily didn't want her presence known for obvious reasons, and she was right. He'd never hear the end of it from his mother and just about everyone else on the ranch if they knew she was back. But his father had a way of holding his cool when it mattered, and he could use some help in trying to decide what to do. "There's a problem at the cabin," he said, and knew there was no turning back now.

  "Raccoons?" Jack asked.

  "Emily," Adam replied.

  Jack stared at him, as if Adam had completely lost it, and waited for an explanation.

  Adam sucked in a breath and said in one long string of words, as if the meaning behind them might not register if he spoke quickly, "She left her husband and had no place to go so she hiked to the cabin and is staying there until she can figure out what to do."

  "What do you mean she has no place to go?" Jack said, his voice edged with impatience. "There's nearly two feet of snow up there and more coming down and she couldn't have hiked in with supplies to last, so what's the real story?"

  "She's afraid of Erik," Adam replied. "I'm taking her the shotgun in case he shows up."

  "I would've thought after what she pulled you'd be done with her," Jack said, in disgust.

  Adam clenched his jaws to keep from responding with a whole bunch of irrational crap in defense of Emily. "I am done with her," he replied, "but she's there alone and Erik's a dangerous man now and I can't turn my back on her."

  "She's Erik's wife and this is a domestic matter," Jack said. "She's not your problem now."

  "Ex-wife," Adam corrected. "He threatened her and she's afraid."

  "Then take her to the women's shelter in McMinnville," Jack replied. "They know how to deal with things like this. But you stay out of it."

  Adam held his father's steady gaze, feeling like a teen again, with his father laying down the rules, but this time they were man to man, and as a man he also had responsibilities. "I won't abandon Emily when she needs me most."

  "You won't abandon her because you want an excuse to jump right back into the mess you were in with her all through high school," Jack said. "You'd better get a handle on things or you'll end up with a woman who'll raise hell with your life. I know firsthand."

  Adam started to argue that there was no comparing Emily with his father's ex-wife, who smothered their son, but thought better of it, and said, "I know what I have to do. I'll be back in a couple of hours to help round up stock." He led Max out of the stables, launched himself into the saddle and set out at a lope.

  It wasn't until he was half way up the mountain that he realized he hadn't told his father not to say anything to anyone about Emily, especially his mother, who would immediately pass it on to Jayne, who'd tell Sophie, and the women on the place would make it a point to remind him what a cretin he'd been all the while Emily was dating Erik, and what an idiotic fool he was to get engaged to her, and that he'd have to be out of his mind to have anything to do with her now. But maybe his father would be too busy rounding up stock and mending fences with the boys to give it further thought, though he had a gut feeling he'd probably already passed the information on to his mother. He did not look forward to his return.

  A half hour later, Adam crested the hill, and as he looked into the snow-covered clearing, he was shocked to see Emily crossing from the outhouse to the cabin, and a child, maybe two-and-a-half, running ahead of her in the trampled down path leading to the porch. As he urged Max into the opening, Emily caught sight of him and froze in her tracks. The child, seeing him, rushed ahead and ran into the cabin. Emily raced after the child and disappeared inside.

  Adam tethered his horse, but by the time he entered the cabin there was no sign of the child.

  Emily looked at him in alarm, and said, "I didn't expect you until later."

  "I just figured that out," Adam replied, while taking a closer look at his surroundings. Although there were no signs of the child, there were signs of a child's presence—a small threadbare blanket on the couch, a tiny wool hat on the floor by the door, a trail of snowy footprints leading to the closed door to the bedroom. Turning to Emily, he said, "Why didn't you tell me you had a child?"

  "I'm trying not to involve you," Emily said. "His name is Jesse and he's in the bedroom because he's afraid of men. He won't come out until you leave."

  Adam glanced at the door, wondering what kind of cold-hearted bastard Erik really was, that his son would be afraid of him, afraid of all men."

  He's a dangerous man...

  Adam deliberated on just how dangerous Erik could be. He'd been a smug, full-of-himself SOB in high school, who treated Emily like crap, but he'd never shown a violent side. "Did Erik ever hit you?" he asked.

  Emily shook her head. "He had more effective ways of getting me to do what he wanted."

  "Effective like what?" Adam asked, knowing he was doing exactly what his father warned against, jumping right back into the mess he'd been in with Emily all through high school.

  When she just stood there looking at him and saying nothing, he said, "If he never hit you, what did he do to make you think he's dangerous?" It came to Adam that maybe Emily was the unstable one, and paranoia could be the basis of her late night calls years before, and maybe the things she'd told him about Erik only existed in her mind.

  "Come into the kitchen where Jesse won't hear us talking," Emily said, then turned and walked away from the closed bedroom door.

  Adam wondered about a child who would, of his own accord, close himself in a room. Years before whenever his younger siblings were in trouble and sent to their rooms, they cried and fussed and carried on until they could get out. But to be so afraid that a closed bedroom door meant security was not a pattern of behavior he could relate to.

  In the kitchen, he sat at the table, and Emily sat across from him. Her eyes holding painful memories, she told him about an incident with Erik and her son's kitten. "I got rid of the kitten right after that and told Jesse and Erik it got out and ran away. I knew it was only a matter of time before Erik would carry out his threat and then twist things so Jesse would believe Erik had to kill the kitten because I made him do it. That's the way Erik's mind works."

  After Adam had taken that in, he said, "Where were you living before you came here?"

  "A town just north of Sacramento," Emily replied.

  "Hell, Em, we're a straight shot from Sacramento," Adam said. "You should have headed east where you could lose him." He also knew Erik could be there in a day if he decided to come.

  "I had no money," Emily said, tears welling. "I signed off everything to Erik when we divorced. The entire time we were married he controlled all of our accounts, including the bank account, and he gave me no money. He claimed he was doing it for my own good because I'd never learned how to run a house because of the way I was raised and that he loved me and wanted to make sure I was always provided for. It was always about how much he loved me. If it hadn't been for a neighbor who suspected something all along, who gave me enough money for bus fare, I couldn't have gotten this far." She lifted a shaking hand to her face and swiped a finger beneath each eye, while Adam resisted the urge to take her in his arms and hold her.

  Instead, he got up and paced the floor, while wondering what in the name of all the saints in heaven he could do with her. And her boy. How she'd managed to hike five miles up a mountain with a child was beyond him. Maybe a little too farfetched. But he wouldn't cross examine her now. Nor could he take her back to the ranch, not only because of the reaction from his father and everyone else, but he couldn't jeopardize the family and the ranch guests if Erik showed up.

  "I'll give you some money," Adam said, "then you'll have to go to the welfare office and sign up for benefits. But Erik will still have to pay child support. Wasn't it include
d in your divorce settlement?"

  Emily shook her head. "I didn't ask for anything. All I wanted was to be free of him."

  Adam looked at a woman stripped of everything, including her self respect, a woman so desperate she made her way through a snowstorm, with a child, to return to a place where everyone viewed her with distrust and bitterness. Even he viewed her that way, but it still didn't stop his deep-rooted feelings for her. And his old protective mechanism was up and running again. "Well, I hope for you and your son's sake that you're finally free of him this time," he said. "Meanwhile, I brought the shotgun and I'll show you how to shoot, then I have to get back and help my dad, unless you want me to stay," he added. A patently stupid idea.

  Emily shook her head, and stood. "It's best for you to leave."

  Adam knew from her tone of voice, and the look of expectancy on her face, that she was ambivalent. She'd also left the table and was standing near the hallway, as if guarding the bedroom door. Adam glanced at the closed door, then at Emily, and said, "If you're worried your son would be afraid of me if I stay, I'd sleep on the couch and keep to myself and let him come to me on his own when he's ready."

  Emily shook her head again. "Leaving suddenly the way we did, and riding on a bus when Jesse has rarely been out of the house, he's disturbed and confused. He needs to be away from all men. I'll put him down for a nap and you can show me about the shotgun then."

  While Emily was in the bedroom with her son, Adam felt the bitterness rising again, not just because Rick and Sophie had it all, but because, in the end, Erik fathered Emily's son, the one thing Adam thought, when Emily accepted the engagement ring, she'd give to him and him alone. The boy also meant she'd never be rid of Erik, who'd track her down if only to get his son back. But now, as he looked out at snow that continued to fall, he hoped it wouldn't let up, because as long as the roads were a jumble of snowbound vehicles, spinouts and stalls, the less likely it was that Erik would make his way there, and maybe, after a while, he'd lose interest.

  While he was waiting for Emily to come out of the bedroom, Adam made several trips to the porch and carried in armloads of wood, which he stacked in an alcove beside the fireplace. He assumed Emily hadn't had a bath since she left California, so he stuffed paper into the old wood boiler beside the sink, threw in several pieces of kindling and a couple of small logs, and struck a match to it. After rolling back the bearskin rug that lay in front of the hearth, he retrieved the tub and set it in front of the fireplace, then tossed a couple of logs on the hearth and hoped Emily would soak in the tub long enough to relax some.

  He blocked from his mind the rest of the scenario. He didn't need to be weighed down by thoughts of Emily sitting naked in the tub while he washed her back, and her front, the way he had years before when they were there. The memory of their lovemaking on the bearskin rug just before her bath, and how she looked in the tub afterward, with water cascading over and around her breasts as he squeezed the sponge and let the water trickle where he wanted it, was still as vivid as when it happened, as if the scenes were branded on his mind forever.

  The door to the bedroom opened slowly, and after Emily stepped into the hallway she quietly closed the door, then turned and said, "He's finally asleep. I found some picture books on the bookshelf by the fireplace and read to him. He seemed a little warm though, but I think his face is chapped from the cold. It was a long hike up here."

  "He walked?" Adam asked, still questioning how Emily managed to hike five miles through a snowstorm on her own, much less with a child."

  "I carried him in a pack on my back," Emily said. "He slept most of the way."

  Adam couldn't help but marvel at what she'd done. Emily might be a fickle mess when it came to men, but she was devoted to her son, which had to count for something.

  She glanced at the tin tub in front of the fireplace then looked at him with curiosity, and said, "Why is that there?"

  "I thought you'd want a bath, since you probably haven't had one since you got here," Adam replied. "The water boiler's heating up right now."

  Emily stared at the tub, saying nothing, but from the faraway look in her eyes Adam knew she was remembering. Then her face became thoughtful, and she said, "A bath would be nice, and the little tub is comfortable. I remember."

  "So do I," Adam said, looking steadily at her.

  "That's not what I meant," Emily said. "I meant..." She waved her hand as if erasing her words, and said, "After I bathe, I'll wash Jesse too. Thank you for doing this."

  Wanting to get off the subject of Emily in the tub and the image it brought, Adam said, "Come out on the porch and I'll show you how to load and operate the shotgun."

  Emily followed him outside, and after Adam pointed out the parts of the gun, and made sure she understood the importance of holding it tight against her shoulder if she needed to shoot, he demonstrated how to load it then let her dry fire it a few times, all done with a minimum of physical contact. After that they went back inside, where Adam checked the boiler and prepared to fill the tub before heading back to the ranch.

  As he dumped the first bucket of hot water into the tub, he said, "How old is your son?"

  Emily, who had her ear to the bedroom door, listening for sounds coming from inside, looked at him with a start, as if unprepared for the question. But then she shrugged almost imperceptibly, and said, "He'll be three in April."

  Adam made a quick calculation between the last time he was with her, which was July, three years ago, and an April birthday for her son, then eyed her dubiously, and said, "When you married Erik you must have gotten pregnant right away." Like the same week he and Emily made love for the last time, he thought cynically. When Emily didn't reply, but just stood staring at him, like she had no idea how to respond, he crossed his arms, looked at her steadily, and said, "Tell me something, Em. When you were engaged to me, did you ever feel anything?" Shit! Tears were coming. "Okay, we'll put it behind," he said. "Forget I said it."

  "I can't forget it because it never leaves my mind," Emily replied. "Marrying Erik was the biggest mistake I ever made, and not a day goes by that I don't regret it, and what I did to you. Maybe someday I can try to explain how it was because I only recently began to understand it myself. It was like being trapped in a cult, the way it was with Erik. I didn't understand any of it until I got to the library and looked up sociopath on the internet and realized I was married to one. It all made sense then, and I knew I had to get away. But even then Erik still messed with my mind, almost convincing me I was an unfit mother for breaking up the family."

  "So he got the restraining order," Adam said, while wondering why a Green Beret would need a restraining order against a woman who barely tipped the scales at a 120 pounds, but he didn't intend to cross examine her at the moment, or try to figure out what the ramification of a restraining order against her meant, though he had a gut feeling he'd find out before long.

  He dumped a bucket of cool water from the sink into the tub and swished his hand around to test the water. On turning, he was surprised to find Emily right behind him, not more than a breath away. He looked down at her and said nothing, just stood staring at a face that had haunted him for years. He could even understand the concept of being trapped in a cult. For years he'd felt like that with Emily, being connected to her in an unhealthy way because he was never her focus. It was always Erik, except for their seven-month engagement, when he slipped a ring on Emily's finger and thought Erik was out of her life for good.

  Emily put her hands on his chest and looked up, and said, "Can you ever forgive me?"

  Adam started to reach for her shoulders, but knowing the danger that held, left his arms at his sides as he said, "Yeah, Em, I can forgive you. I'll also help you out of this mess. But after that, you'll need to take control of your life because I won't be a part of it."

  "I know," Emily said. "I just want to see you smile again. Then I'll be happy."

  Adam wanted to give her that wish, but the smile wouldn't
come. Taking her by the shoulders, he moved her aside, and said, "I'll be back in a day or two. Meanwhile, keep the shotgun on the mantel, and if Erik shows up and threatens you in any way, aim for his heart. You won't get a second chance." Shoving his hat on his head he left, thoughts of staying with Emily for the night, and the rest of his life, burrowing into his mind like a wood tick that refused to let go. But he would free himself of her someday. It just wouldn't be now.

  CHAPTER 3

  Emily dipped the washcloth into the warm water and dragged it over her face, and down her neck, and held it up so water trickled across her chest and between her breasts. She leaned against the back of the tub and imagined Adam's hands on her. His hands had been magic. He'd loved her in a way that was all about her, as if satisfying her was his goal.

  She refused to think about the way Erik loved, and when thoughts of his demands surfaced, she shoved them back into the darkest recesses of her mind and replaced them with thoughts of Adam. But she also had to accept the reality of what Adam told her. He'd help her out of this mess, but then she'd be on her own. That was the way it had to be, and she accepted it.

  Still, as she leaned against the sloped back of the tin tub she couldn't help but imagine Adam on his knees beside her, bending over her like he had. They'd made love for the first time, and afterward, he filled the tub with warm water and told her he wasn't done yet. She'd thought all he intended to do was wash her off, but after he finished soaping her, he went on to explore and caress and bring her to a climax that excluded him, but put that wonderful smile on his face.

  "Mommy!" A frantic little voice came from the direction of the bedroom.

  "I'm here, honey," Emily called out. Standing abruptly, and sending a splash of water over the rim of the tub, she reached for the towel and quickly dried, then slipped into her sweats and a sweatshirt and went to get Jesse.

  She found him sitting in the middle of the bed with his arms out for her to pick him up. "There's a bath ready for you," she said, as she carried him into the living room. "There's even a yellow ducky here who needs a bath." She'd found the little duck under the couch when she was looking for Jesse's shoes, and set it on the mantel for the time when she'd take on the job of heating up the boiler and filling the tub. A little frisson of warmth curled inside her as the image of the man who'd done it for her emerged in her mind.